I’ll take Random for $500, Alex.

I’m itching to start another quilt, and I’ve got some fabric that’s been hanging around for awhile, so I pulled it out. I have no idea what I’m going to do with it., but I’m absolutely in love with the color palette.

DSC09786

I met a blogger that I read the other day! And I acted weird. I figured out a week or so ago that her son goes to O’s daycare and when we were both there for pickup at the same time I got excited and introduced myself. And when she asked if I had a blog I froze and said, “No….”

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

As I realized I was lying to her, I started to think of how I could gracefully correct myself without becoming the “weird lady at daycare,” and couldn’t come up with anything so I just smiled and listened to her talk. As best I can tell, I lied because my blog is semi-private. By which I mean there are very few people who I know from the non-interwebs that know about it. I do this so that I can retain some freedom with what I write about, and because sometimes its easier to talk to my blogging friends than it is my face-to-face friends.

For instance, today I was thinking about blogging about how one of the caregivers at daycare bugs me. And I started to think, well, if this other blogger knew that I had a blog, and read my blog (Of COURSE she would read my blog. You do. And I am FOREVER grateful that you do!), I would feel weird complaining about someone she also knows, and entrusts the care of her child to.

Since she doesn’t read my blog, I can talk about the caregiver. She’s perfectly adequate, she just doesn’t seem very warm. There are 3 women that work there, and 2 of them are always on the floor with the kids, cuddling, or playing. The third…she’s just kind of…there. For instance, if I had the opportunity to hire her as a sitter, I probably wouldn’t. Though, she is the one who gets my kid to take a nap easy peasy. So maybe her strength is napping, and the other caregivers are the lovey ones. I figure this is the first, in what I’m sure will be a long line of things, where I learn to let go, and let adequate be fine.

Back to lying. Maybe it makes sense, maybe it doesn’t. Maybe I haven’t really figured out how committed I am to blogging, or how committed I am to potentially pissing people off. (Which should give those of you who knew me 20 years ago a good chuckle. When did I start giving a shit about pissing people off if I was confident about what I was saying? Age made me soft is all I can say.) I’ve been thinking a lot about becoming public. Letting my family and more of my friends know about it, because while retaining some freedom is nice, keeping secrets is exhausting. And I’m probably not gonna write anything that I wouldn’t talk to people about anyway. And if they don’t like it, fuck ’em.

Or something like that.

What about you? Is your blog “public”? Or do you strive to retain some anonymity?

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8 Comments

Filed under life balance

8 responses to “I’ll take Random for $500, Alex.

  1. There is so much I love this in post. I also grapple with who I tell about my blog, as it is the political side of me. I keep my identity on the blog and in my political commenting on other sites confidential because I don’t want a future employer to not hire me if they find my blog and disagree with it. And my partner is concerned about safety issues (though I don’t agree with him about this, I respect that concern). But yes, I find this exhausting.

  2. Janine

    oh, I’ve thought about this so many times. I went ahead and let everyone and anyone know that I have a blog, but it has TOTALLY kept me from writing whatever I think.
    In fact, I blog pretty infrequently because the process of composing a post in which I self edit every bleeping sentence is e-x-h-a-u-s-t-i-n-g and time consuming. For example, I don’t ever swear in my writing and in real life I definitely do.
    I also feel that I can’t be totally open about things/people who piss me off because of the dreaded “consequences” – mostly of family members or in-laws taking offense. I am mostly okay with it, because writing has never been a huge thing for me (even though I do enjoy when I feel like I’ve put a few clever sentences together) but the trade off is that my blog is pretty vanilla. It has a yawn factor for anyone who doesn’t know me or the girls.
    So that’s my story.
    Whatever you decide in terms of anonymity or whatever, don’t stop blogging. You’re great at it.

  3. Janine

    and those colors/fabrics are awesome. go to it, girl. I’ll commission you for one for Lilah if you’re at all interested! And yes, I’m serious.

  4. I LOVE the bottom floral. I can’t wait to see what you do with it.

    As for public blogging, I thought I was cool with finally letting my in-laws and real-life friends know about it until I accidentally posted a link on my personal facebook page instead of the blog’s facebook page and I freaked the hell out. So yeah, maybe not ready. At least for the in-laws.

  5. I started as a semi-anonymous blogger, with my only readers being my online friends. Unfortunately, my sister in law found my blog somehow and she IMMEDIATELY forwarded the address to everyone she knows. I was PISSED. I’m still pissed. She’s a bitch and now I can’t even say it on my blog because she’ll read it. I miss the freedom to write about whatever I wanted without worrying which relatives I might hurt. Actually, my biggest regret is not writing a really personal post about abortion back when it still would have been mostly anonymous – but now that E’s family reads I can’t write it.

    But MOST days, I love using my real name. I feel sort of famous among my real life mom friends – they all read and talk to me about what I write and send my link to anyone they know who’s pregnant. It’s never caused any real life problems (that I know of) and it’s nice that when I meet people through blogging they already know my name.

  6. mommabare

    Amen.

    I hate my mother SO SO bad. She nearly destroyed me by getting married 8 times to men who liked to hit, by hitting me herself and by being an addict. I love her but dang I hate her. She is a mess.

    And I can’t say so. Because she reads my blog.

    Also Suzanne, my sister in law is too a bitch. Can’t stand her. Can’t say it. Shit.

  7. babyinbrooklyn

    My blog is pretty public and sometimes I really wish it wasn’t. Like, sometimes I’d like to post somethings I know people in my family/life would take the wrong way so i just don’t. But I kinda started it as a way to share pregnancy/kid stuff w/ my family so there’s that.

  8. Hi, this is my first time reading your blog – I found it from Mommabare’s – and I’m really enjoying it. I, too, am struggling with who to share my blog with and how much that will influence what I do or do not say.

    I put up a blog the other day when I was really upset about something at work. Then, within 24 hours, I had freaked myself out so much that someone from work would read it that I took that blog down. I hate that. I want to be able to say what I want to say. (and say fuck if I want to).

    For now I have a limited, customized Facebook distribution list that I post the blog too. I figure if someone I don’t want to read it happens to find it then so be it – but I didn’t send them there.

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