I’ve never made New Year’s resolutions, but this year seems like it should be a year of really positive change for me. Intentional change, instead of passive change. You know, change that *I* initiate, instead of change that just annoys me because it’s happening whether I’m on board or not.
Unfortunately, I kinda hate change. Which is why most change in my life is passive. I get ideas and think, “I’m gonna do that!” and then “that” takes work, or time, or energy, and I find myself lacking in energy, or time, or motivation, and so I give up. Because the status quo is usually bearable. But is bearable really what I want for my life? Maybe, but I’d like to think I want more.
Plus, I love me some lists.
So here it is – stuff I’m gonna work on in 2011.
- Find a style other than “just rolled out of bed.” I’m not a stylish person. Never have been. I like to be comfortable, and be able to roll from dirty toddler, to muddy dog, to spilled food. But do I have to look like that every day? Probably not. The barriers to this are that I hate shopping for clothes, and I like my sleep too much to get up early to make the effort. I’m short, and I have big boobs, which means NOTHING FITS. Ok, I can’t be the only person with a hard-to-fit body type. I need to TRY HARDER. Plus, I can probably find an extra 15 minutes in the morning to do more than brush my hair and put it in a ponytail, right? Right.
- Be healthier. This might translate to losing weight – I hate to set weight loss as a goal, because I really don’t think there is a lot wrong with how I look – but I would like to feel more physically capable. In my glory days I was strong, and I’d like to be strong again. I’d also like to take the kidlet to swimming lessons, and right now would prefer not to be in a bathing suit. I know that when I’m exercising more, my body image is better. Plus, moving your body is a good thing. So, I’ll try to exercise regularly. Or occasionally.
- De-clutter my life. We have a small house, and since the kidlet was born, it seems to have shrunk by at least half. We just keep acquiring. And it’s not even just stuff for the kid. I don’t even know what half the stuff is. I just know that when I go into the basement, I can hardly get from one door to the next because there is SO MUCH STUFF. And the stuff that I do need, needs to be organized. I tend to pile things. Which worked okay when it was just me, and there was extra space. But now? Not so much. I don’t want to feel like my possessions are owning me, so I need to get them under control.
- Bake bread. I’d really like to bake a bread other than banana or zucchini. I’ve checked a few books out of the library in the last year and drooled over the pictures of fresh-baked artisan breads, but whenever I think about actually making some, I get all twitchy and panicked and don’t even start. Bread seems hard. And I hate to suck at something. But I’m never going to get better unless I actually try. So, maybe I’ll try.
- Do something for myself. I don’t even want to say that, because it seems so cliche. But I feel like the last year of my life has been consumed, almost entirely, by trying to fucking figure out this motherhood thing. Having a kid rocked my world, and my emotions, and self-esteem, and sleep in ways that I never anticipated. 2010 was a very difficult year for me. I transitioned from paid work to full-time unpaid parenting, and then added back some paid work. O started going to a sitter for a few hours so that I would have a chance to catch my breath, because I was afraid I was going to lose it entirely, and then he started going a little more so I could work more. I let go of my fear that no one can take care of him as well as I could – partly because for a while, I don’t think I was doing THAT great a job. There was a LOT of tears and anxiety for me. In 2011 I want to remember that, while motherhood is now part of who I am, I need to honor and nurture who I was before I was a mom. Because that woman needs to be stronger, so that I can be a better mom, and wife, and friend. So, I’m going to consciously take time for me, and probably take a class. Get out of the house, and learn something. Seems easy enough.
What are some things you want to change, or make happen in 2011?