I “started” this blog months before I actually started posting things. I wanted a place to put all the stuff that takes up space in my brain. I wanted a place to talk about my kid, my life, and stuff that I care about. It seemed like the perfect platform for me; I love to think, I love to read, and I love to write. I’m opinionated, articulate (usually), informed (mostly), and sometimes even amusing.
I had to work myself up to posting though. I was nervous to put my stuff out there, in print. I take language and ideas very seriously, and I read enough blogs to know that the internet is the perfect medium for people to tell you your ideas, or you, are stupid. And that annoys the shit out of me. So I was nervous that I might piss someone off, and they might be mean to me. Or that I might lose a friend because of an opinion I have. But I dusted off my brain, limbered up my fingers, and got to typing.
And I found myself staring at a blank page and finding it hard, and stressful to come up with words. So I put up some pictures. Because who doesn’t love a cute toddler? But I don’t want my life (or my blog life anyway) to be dominated by my kid. The rest of my time is consumed by him; I need some space (literal and metaphoric) that isn’t O all the time.
And I have things to say. But the words keep getting garbled. They jam up in my brain until they would look something like “lhdau ebfal ap’oene aabe kljafuhyt GAHHHHHHHHH” if they could be typed. I’ll read something, or see something, and I’ll write an entire post in my head. As soon as I go to put in down though…it all sort of seems to slide away. As I see it take shape in black and white, I start to doubt. I start to think, “Who wants to hear what I have to say?” but more importantly, I start to think that I’m not QUALIFIED to write these things down.
Qualified? What the hell does that even mean? Is there some sort of test bloggers need to pass before they can SAY IMPORTANT THINGS? No. But I’m intimidated by some of the brilliance I read on other blogs, and think, “I can’t hang with that. Why try?” (Really, this stems from an incident I had in college with a TA who patiently explained to me that I needed to spend more time at the writing center because I wasn’t writing at college level. Keep in mind that at this time in my life I’d been writing for a newspaper, and won a few awards for it. Anyway, I’ve never really recovered from that because…well…because I haven’t done much writing since.)
So, the challenge to myself is to have 4 posts a week up, and to have at least one of them be wordy.
I’m my own worst critic (the asswipe TA not withstanding), and I need to let that go a bit. Plus, I know that if I just start writing, it will get easier, and I will get more comfortable with it, and it won’t cause me panic. Because, cripes, I didn’t start a blog so I could be reminded I need therapy.
Hold me to it, friends. Hold me to it.