Challenge to myself

I “started” this blog months before I actually started posting things. I wanted a place to put all the stuff that takes up space in my brain. I wanted a place to talk about my kid, my life, and stuff that I care about. It seemed like the perfect platform for me; I love to think, I love to read, and I love to write. I’m opinionated, articulate (usually), informed (mostly), and sometimes even amusing.

I had to work myself up to posting though. I was nervous to put my stuff out there, in print. I take language and ideas very seriously, and I read enough blogs to know that the internet is the perfect medium for people to tell you your ideas, or you, are stupid. And that annoys the shit out of me. So I was nervous that I might piss someone off, and they might be mean to me. Or that I might lose a friend because of an opinion I have. But I dusted off my brain, limbered up my fingers, and got to typing.

And I found myself staring at a blank page and finding it hard, and stressful to come up with words. So I put up some pictures. Because who doesn’t love a cute toddler? But I don’t want my life (or my blog life anyway) to be dominated by my kid. The rest of my time is consumed by him; I need some space (literal and metaphoric) that isn’t O all the time.

And I have things to say. But the words keep getting garbled. They jam up in my brain until they  would look something like “lhdau ebfal ap’oene aabe kljafuhyt GAHHHHHHHHH” if they could be typed. I’ll read something, or see something, and I’ll write an entire post in my head. As soon as I go to put in down though…it all sort of seems to slide away. As I see it take shape in black and white, I start to doubt. I start to think, “Who wants to hear what I have to say?” but more importantly, I start to think that I’m not QUALIFIED to write these things down.

Qualified? What the hell does that even mean? Is there some sort of test bloggers need to pass before they can SAY IMPORTANT THINGS? No. But I’m intimidated by some of the brilliance I read on other blogs, and think, “I can’t hang with that. Why try?” (Really, this stems from an incident I had in college with a TA who patiently explained to me that I needed to spend more time at the writing center because I wasn’t writing at college level. Keep in mind that at this time in my life I’d been writing for a newspaper, and won a few awards for it. Anyway, I’ve never really recovered from that because…well…because I haven’t done much writing since.)

So, the challenge to myself is to have 4 posts a week up, and to have at least one of them be wordy.

I’m my own worst critic (the asswipe TA not withstanding), and I need to let that go a bit. Plus, I know that if I just start writing, it will get easier, and I will get more comfortable with it, and it won’t cause me panic. Because, cripes, I didn’t start a blog so I could be reminded I need therapy.

Hold me to it, friends. Hold me to it.

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12 Comments

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12 responses to “Challenge to myself

  1. November is nablopomo http://www.nablopomo.com/ if you want an extra little challenge/community to encourage you to post! every! day!

    I have a blog that is just about the kid/parenting and a longer running blog that is about pretty much everything else and PRIMARILY is kid free. I originally segregated all pregnancy posts because I wasn’t sure I’d carry to term and didn’t want to deal with sympathy if I miscarried and then I just kept things separate. But it’s nice to have a place that is pretty much not about Niko and not focused on him, and I think that’s helped me write about stuff other than baby/kid/parenting stuff.

    • Thinking about nablopomo gives me hives. Someday…someday.

      I actually have another blog that I don’t update at all. It was supposed to be the place for non-baby things, but I ran into that same stress so it’s just languished. I think about resurrecting it when I get all, “What is the *identity* of this blog?” And then I start to feel like I’m putting the cart before the horse….

    • Hold the presses! This nablo…is for BLOGGING. Duh. I assumed everyone has been talking the novel writing pomo. I can totally hang with that. Okay, I can probably hang with that. There’s prompts for crying out loud.

      Must brush up on reading comprehension skillz…

  2. I primarily write about baby related things. Because…that’s what I think about. And in the beginning I worried a lot less about what people might think of what I wrote, because I was writing for like, two people, neither of which I knew in real life. But I also said stuff that was unkind and could hurt real life friends and made huge sweeping statements (like all pregnant women) about what kind of mother I was going to be that are now so laughable I can’t even bring myself to read them.

    I think the part I like best about blogging is there ARE no rules. No one is grading me. Heck, I don’t even think of it as writing most of the time – it’s just spewing thoughts into the interwebs. So what I’m saying is PLEASE write more real words and don’t beat yourself up over them, because anything you write is already 100000x better than most of the blogs out there.

    • Yeah, I really need to let go of all the anxiety about posting. The worst thing that might happen, really, is that no one will read it, right?

      And thanks for the encouragement… 🙂

  3. I hear ya, lady. I feel like I’ve constantly got perfectly-worded post drafts swirling around in my head and when I finally sit down to type, its just bleeeeeh– and I’m only talking about food! Yeesh.

    But honestly, I’ve always thought you were amazingly articulate and I love your writing style (on here & MM). So, fuck that TA and keep doin’ what you do :o)

  4. J9

    I am in shock that a TA would A) say that to anyone and B) say that to YOU. Ridiculous at best.
    What cracks me up is that A) I wrote a post similar to this one awhile back and B) yours is WAY more articulate than mine. Ha!
    I feel you. It’s a weird head trip to put stuff “out there” but I really think it’s beneficial as a process for grappling with all that we grapple with these days. Cause there’s a lot, isn’t there?
    I’ll make you a deal – I’ll hold you to it and you do the same for me. Especially kicking my ass to write about things other than the girls. They are my crutch.
    love ya.

    • Yeah, the TA was an ass. When I asked him for suggestions he was all, “Oh, you’ll have to go to the writing center, I don’t really help with that.” Uh…okay. Thanks.

      I think it’s beneficial too – I express myself better in writing that speaking sometimes, so I’d like to be able to have this space, ya know? Because lately I’ve been really damn overwhelmed and don’t feel like I have anywhere to put it all.

      Deal. Where’s your post for Monday? 🙂

  5. I write about whatever pops in my head and then post maybe a third of it. I wrote an epic saga about tacos. TACOS. And that one is still sitting in draft. I push myself to post 6 times per week, but sometimes I just can’t. I also do Wordless Wednesday every week because it is like a freebie and kind of fun.

    Also, I have seen you in the comments of a few blogs I read, Suzanne’s for sure, and we just never crossed internet paths til now. I think I am following you on the twitter and now I’ve added you to my reader. Just wanted to say Hi.

    • I love tacos. I would totally read a post dedicated to them. When I started actually posting stuff a few months ago, I was posting during the week, with weekends off. And I did really well until I went on vacation, and there was a death in my family. It’s been hard to get back on track. I’ve even missed some Wordless Wednesdays. Oy.

      Thanks for reading, and commenting! Hi!

  6. Pingback: 30 Days of Lists – Day 6 – Blog Goals | Life V 2.0

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