Seriously – where does all my time go? There are 24 hours in a day, 17 of which I’m usually awake. Why then, do I always feel like I’m rushing? Or as if I’ve forgotten to do something?
Wednesday evening, driving home from a quick trip to the grocery store (with supplies for the night’s dinner – since we haven’t been grocery shopping in 11 days. See above re: NO FRICKEN TIME) I turned out of the parking lot and into a lane of traffic that wasn’t moving. Well, let me be honest; it moved slowly. I was on a downhill, and only needed my brake to manage my movement.
So, while I was coasting in traffic, I was battling a minor anxiety attack that I needed this traffic to go away, because I needed to be home RIGHT THIS MINUTE so that I could put the potatoes in the oven so that they would be done early enough so that dinner didn’t push O’s bedtime back. I’m calculating in my head how much longer it’s going to take me to get home, how long the potatoes need to cook for, what time the baby will enter into meltdown status… All this while I’m watching the sun set over hills covered in trees with leaves just starting to change color. I had the windows down and the sunroof open. It was a gorgeous evening, and all I could think was GAH!!!
This is how I spend most of my days lately. Thinking GAH!!!
And I’m not alone. I’ve talked to three other people in the last week who have described the exact same feeling to me. And one of them told me that she had just talked about this with a couple of other people. So apparently this is part of the human condition.
I remember being able to waste an entire day doing nothing – reading, watching TV, sleeping (whaattt??? I can’t even begin to tell you how lovely it would be to spend an entire day sleeping), maybe taking a shower, maybe not. With no feelings of, “I can’t sit down, there is SHIT TO BE DONE” rolling through my brain at warp speed.
Is this a function of ‘growing up’ and becoming more responsible? Of recognizing that life doesn’t actually stop just because you don’t feel like dealing with it? Or are our lives filled with more now? More chores, more people, more distractions? Do we feel like this because we’re never more than 2 feet away from our smart phones constantly beeping to alert us to a new email, or text, or tweet that might demand our immediate attention?
I don’t know. I do know that this feeling is worse on days when O doesn’t nap. And lately there have been more and more of those. I count on his nap time to give me a break. A break from being needed, from needing to entertain, console, help, and keep a little being safe. It’s exhausting work. And when he takes 45 minutes to fall asleep, and then wakes up as soon as I put him in his crib, or 2 minutes after I walk out of the room – those are days I when I contemplate sitting on the floor, saying, “Fuck it” and just letting the shit fall down around me.
That’s somewhat melodramatic.
I started this post (minus the sitting in traffic story, that just fell into place nicely) 3 days ago. THREE DAYS AGO. It’s a 600 word post that took me 3 days to write. What the hell else was I doing that I couldn’t get this done in 20 minutes?
I have no freaking idea….