Modern Motherhood: A Twitter turned blog chat

I missed the @womeninworld Twitter chat (#wiwchat) that presented these questions, but lucky for us The Mamafesto did not! She posted the questions from Thursday, January 26th’s chat and answered them herself on her blog. I think the questions are good questions, and as I was attempting to respond to her post, I just decided it would be easier to answer them here. I’d love it if you did the same, or tumble all your thoughts into my comments – that’s what comment boxes are for, right?

Q1 How has pop culture, media, politics (or policies?) shaped our idealized notions of motherhood? 

Well, the Cold War brought an aggressive “Motherhood is great! Take care of your family!” campaign from the U.S. government. If we could out procreate the Communists, we could save the world from their ways. June Cleaver was born of this push. And I don’t think we’ve really gotten out from under her. She’s been reincarnated in any number of sitcoms and movies over the last 50 years.

And I think the news teaches us how mothers are supposed to act by creating scandal from the behaviors of mothers. In fact, by reporting that they are mothers at all creates the image of a ‘bad mother’ thereby offering the ‘good mother’ a sigh of relief.

Q2 Can working mothers really ‘have it all,’ and how do you balance work and family life? 

This question bugs the crap out of me for two several reasons. 1.) What is ‘having it all’? And 2.) Why don’t I ever see people asking if working fathers (in fact, how many times have you even seen that phrase?) can have it all? It feels to me like it’s assumed that men either already ‘have it all’ or don’t want it all. 3.) PLUS, since I see this question everywhere, and I see it framed in this manner, we’re set up to believe that working mothers CAN’T have it all. Because if we (society/culture) believed that they could (and DO), we wouldn’t even be asking the damn question. It’s like the question, “Is it okay for women to breastfeed in public?” Well, yes. In fact, in many places (not all) it is legally protected. But that’s not fun. And if we keep hearing the question, we’ll start to internalize the idea that while it’s legal, maybe it’s not okay. This ‘having it all’ question works the same way. It isn’t really a question, it’s a brainwashing mechanism busy instilling doubt in the minds of all women pretending to be a question. And still, I don’t know what ‘it all’ is. I just know that I probably can’t have it.

Q3 Caitlin Flanagan has argued that something is lost when a woman works outside the home? Do you agree? 

I’ve written and deleted my answer to this 3 times. I can’t seem to write what I want to say without sounding like an asshole. My other answers were sort of ragey, about the implication in the statement that ‘something’ was previously ‘had.’ (Having something is a prerequisite for losing it.) And about the seemingly heteronormative male wage-earner family context this question is born from. So, my short, non-asshole answer is, no, I don’t think something is lost when a woman works outside the home.

Q4 What’s the one ‘reality’ of motherhood you’d share with a new mom–and would most mothers be surprised by it or not? 

Motherhood changes everything. It changes how your body works. It changes how you view the world. It changes how you think about your time, and the intention for your actions. It changes how you define yourself. And how others define you. Everything. I wasn’t prepared for that.

Q5 Should child care be a private decision (U.S. style) or should we treat it like a public good (Norway style)? 

I think it absolutely needs to be treated as a public good. The current system in the U.S. which demands that child care be procured through private means, necessarily disadvantages the populations which have the greatest need for publicly funded care. Whew, that sounded academic. Basically, when two wage earning people have a kid, and the cost of daycare eats up the entire wage (or most of it) of one parent, then that parent (usually the female in a hetero partnered relationship) quits a wage-earning job to take care of the child. Which has the continued impact of damaging later paid workforce re-entry prospects. Plus, during the time that one parent is not earning a paid wage, that parent is also not earning Social Security credits, which will have a further negative financial consequence during retirement.

If there is only one parent, then that parent MUST work. And if that parent has a job that just covers housing and food, and there is little or no money left to pay for child care, how will the child be cared for? This is not an unusual circumstance.

Q6 Has motherhood changed your view of feminism? 

Yes. More than becoming a mother though, birthing a son changed my view of feminism. My pre-son feminism was much centered around the core principle that patriarchy is damaging to women. While this is true, I’ve become much more aware of the ways that patriarchy (really kyriarchy – intersectionality and all…) is damaging to everyone. It is limiting, judgmental, and downright dangerous to people who don’t play by the rules. Having a boy was a big BAM moment for me. All of a sudden I realized (and was kind of embarrassed to do so) that my feminism had focused on women. And even more so, on cis-gender women. It wasn’t intentional, it was just…what I had been exposed to. Having a son forced me to seek new resources on feminism, and to see that WOAH, there’s a LOT of bad shit happening to a lot of people in the name of ‘the way it should be.’ (See also: current assholery coming out of the lot of GOP mouths.)

What do you all think?

Invasion of the body snatchers – toddler edition

Oh dear friends of mine on the inter webs, I’m losing my mind. I’m tired, and I’m frustrated, and I’m feeling like a lousy parent. Apparently, we’ve entered the fabled ‘terrible twos.’

Up until 2 weeks ago, give or take, kidlet was a joyful and amenable child. He happily (for the most part, nothing is ever perfect) got undressed for bath time, and into his jammies for bed. And he’d pick out his clothes in the morning without much fuss. He might have wanted a little extra time at the playground, or one more book at bedtime, but really, where’s the rush in life? I could deal with that.

We went to California on vacation over Christmas, and he had a great time. No bedtime, haphazard naps, tons of stimulation, more tv than I’ve watched in 15 years…it was his own personal amusement park. So when we got home and started to bring back the routine, there was resistance. I understand that, no one likes to come back from all that fun and have to get up in the morning. The time change from West to East is a killer. It takes me days to adjust. So I figured after a few days, he’d adjust and be back to ‘himself.’

And then he stayed up one night with a croupy cough. And then a few days later spiked a pretty good fever. So he stayed home from daycare with me. And we lounged around in our pjs, and routine was relaxed. And then one morning he didn’t want to get dressed, or go outside, or have his diaper changed. Any of the stuff one must do with a toddler on a regular basis. But I chalked it up to still adjusting from vacation, and then not feeling well because he was sick.

It’s been two weeks y’all. EVERY.SINGLE. diaper change, wardrobe change, bath time, and change of scenery (inside to outside, outside to inside) has been met with fervent, “No, I don’t wanna…” and tears.

And I don’t know what to do. At first I stepped back. Figured it would work itself out. It used to be that if he didn’t want to do something, and I walked away from it, in a minute or two he’d decide to do whatever it was on his own, and we could go on our merry way. Well, that failed miserably. That approach got me 2 hours of trying to get my kid dressed and out the door before finding success. I’m sure I’m not the first person this has happened to, but damn…I’m unequipped.

I didn’t want to hold him down to get him dressed, or undressed. I don’t want to parent him that way. I don’t want to restrain him, or raise my voice to him, or let my frustration with the situation get the best of me. But I couldn’t figure anything else out. So, for nearly 2 weeks, I’ve been pulling clothes off a screaming, crying, kicking two year old. AND I HATE IT. I hate it. It makes me want to cry. And, I think it’s become it’s own reward.

I’m afraid that the dynamic of conflict has become a reinforcement of the behavior. And, dear Maude, does that worry me.

WHAT DO I DO? How do I fix this? How do I change this? How do I peacefully guide my kid into a much needed diaper change?

Sometimes I think, well…does he have to get dressed? What’s the harm in him going out in his pjs? It’s cold out, but we have shoes that fit over them, and a coat is a coat is a coat. College kids everywhere have adopted pjs as a sort-of uniform, why can’t my kid? Stop fighting this battle. But then I think, I can’t send my kid to daycare every day in his jammies. It’s not their job to get him dressed. And why should I abdicate responsibility for something that I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to do because it’s easier for me. If he wants to sleep in the clothes that we somehow managed to get him into that morning, so what? Dirt washes off sheets just as easily as it does clothes and bodies. No big deal. How many days would he go in the same clothes?

There’s the diaper thing though. We flirted with potty learning a few weeks ago, but it was short lived. He started to fight it, so we decided to wait and try again later. He’s still not expressing any interest in using the potty – so he HAS to have his diaper changed about 4 times a day. It’s not really negotiable. And I hold him down. MOAR BATTLE PLEASE.

We’ve tried distracting him – it used to work like a champ. “Look! Shiny object! Ooohhh!” but now, he’s pretty much on to us. A friend of mine suggested some Yo Gabba Gabba segments that are available on You Tube, and those have helped a great deal the last 2 days. And I might be willing to use those until he moves out, if I have to. But I also feel like I should (I loathe that word, but it’s exactly how I feel) be doing something differently. I guess I feel that way mostly because I don’t like how I do feel. Which is frustrated, and tired, and sort of like a crappy parent.

So, those of you who have come before me – what advice do you have for this struggling mama?

I hear there are boarding schools for toddlers in Europe….

(Also, I’m quite confident I’m not a lousy parent. I just feel…ill equipped to deal with this new challenge so it makes me feel all crappy and sucktastic.)

How many sexist slurs can you name?

I believe, fervently, that the language we choose to use has great implications for the things we find important, and hold valuable. I do not believe that sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me. Words are used to convey hatred, and disrespect. They are used to hurt, and demean people. They are not harmless.

I’m really sick of seeing these words used to describe women.

Have any to add?

This girl kicks ass.

I freakin’ LOVE this girl. I dare you not to cheer.

(She reminds me a bit of myself when I was that age. Awww…the amazingness of youth.)

What’s your passion?

(Blog title stolen directly from Jay.)

We’ve been back from vacation for just under a week, and I’m still digging out from all the stuff that piles up when you take 2 weeks out of your normal life to travel across the country and pretend that normal life doesn’t exist. We had a lovely time. But kidlet’s come down with a yucky cough, and fever, and I’m still adjusting from the time zone shift, so I’m going to borrow these prompts from Jay and give myself a little original thought break.

The prompts are in bold, and then explained below – my responses are in italics.

What puts a smile on your face?
Following what makes you truly happy is a wonderful way to figuring out what you were put on Earth for. Think about something that you do or that perhaps you used to do that brings you total happiness!

I feel like such a cliche with this answer but, my kid. Becoming a mother has changed my life in ways I NEVER imagined. Watching him figure stuff out, and listening to him talk crack me up. His dad and I spend a few minutes every night recounting the cute stuff he did that day, and we find ourselves laughing and smiling about it.  I don’t think I was put on this earth to have my kid, but I also don’t really think in terms of why I was put on this earth.
What do you find easy?
What we find easy for us to do, will be related to what we are passionate about. It’s very hard to hate something that is very easy for us!

Talking to people. Speaking about things I am knowledgeable and passionate about is easy. Challenging assumptions is easy for me. 

What sparks your creativity?
Think about something in your life where you seem to always expand its horizon, always coming up with new, fun, and exciting ideas relating to that subject. Whatever makes you creative is something that you are passionate about.

I don’t know. I’ve been lacking creativity lately. I’ve actually been wondering how to ignite some creativity, because I’m happier when I’m making something. I have stacks of fabric that I want to quilt, but I look at it and think, Eh, I have NO IDEA what to do with it. And I walk away from it.


What would you do for free?
Think about something that you would just love to do, even if you were not getting paid. Think about something that you look forward to do, something that you wish you could do all the time.

There’s not a lot I would do for free, if being paid was an option. I’m too much of pragmatist as far as valuing my contribution is concerned. (i.e., we live in a world that rewards value with money. I demand that reward for a valuable contribution.)
 
What do you like to talk about?
Most of the time, we aren’t aware of this. A good way to figure this out properly, is to ask your friends. Ask them what they believe you like to talk about the most, what topic makes your eyes brighten up, and changes your entire behavior.

Gender constructs, personal autonomy, systems of oppression, healthcare access, historical context, abortion, bodily domain, kyriarchy…


What makes you unafraid of failure?
When you do what you are passionate about, you have total confidence in your abilities. This makes you not worry about failing, because in your mind, how can you fail when you do what you love?

Ha! I don’t think there is anything that I do that doesn’t have a shadow of failure hanging around. Which is why, in some aspects of my life, I spend too much time just going with the flow. It’s way easier to get bumped around by the tide than it is to try to CHANGE it. 


What would you regret not having tried?
If you were at the end of your life, what would you regret not having pursued? What would you have liked to do, that you didn’t get a chance to?

I’m pretty sure that at the end of my life, the only thing I would regret is not spending more time with the people I love. Everything else is just…stuff. 

Easy post. Get me back into the blogging groove.

Happy New Year!